When series
of unknowing spaces
created between us
Either you or me to blame, I couldn’t recognize

When I am too much available for you
How far do I have to run to win you?
I could only reach out so much

I never want to look into you
If you don’t let me
But you can’t earn things effortlessly
It isn’t a gift
Not my heart, at least

It isn’t for me to give away,
Not to someone who wouldn’t even bother to take care
Only a fool would buy

So goodbye and don’t cry
It would make the world to think that I’m the one who hasn’t got a heart
When your absence had filled most space of my hope
I had enough to give

Finding it out is the first on my priority,
But where are you?

Too ignorant to explain or admit maybe
But I’d just assume it’s never there
And end this peacefully

I would be happy and don’t remember how it feels when I’m with you
When your gaze don’t mean firing passion
Touching your fingers felt nothing but coldness and hesitation
Caressing you means guilt and never ended suffocation
And kissing you is sourness

The picture of you before I rest through the night,
The constant presence of you in my thought,
Produces nothing but unfriendly creep and insecurity

It was never cozy nor comforting
but the mind was desperate enough to protect myself from seeing the real you
Following thousands of undisclosed reality
The gentle and sensitive image of you start to melt and reveal its truth
now it is too strange to be in your presence
Go ahead hide all you want because I don’t bother to find out what it is anyway

I still have a heart to miss you
Only for an undesirable memory sake

You in the mirror...
starin back at me
O conscience let me be
to the pure, all things are pure

To those who defiled unbelieving: nothing is pure
Their minds, their conscience defiled
They profess to know God
But deceive him by deeds all the while

Where do I stand on the rock or in the sand?

O' Holy Spirit won't you help me understand,
Holy spirit won't you say a prayer for me?

With your groanings
My mind, my conscience defiled!
send the blood of the Lamb,
don't leave me in exile.

What was the promise on the Cross of Calvary?
Confess the Lord and the truth shall set you free...

Create in me a clean heart, O God
Renew a steadfast spirit within me
To my prayers you've always given heed

Blessed be thy God
Who never turned away from me

Hid his face from all my sin, forgot, forgot my iniquity
Go on and raise your hands sing praises to the Lord
He's the King and He'll reign forevermore
He died upon the cross at Calvary
He died to save a wretch like me!

you took your coat off and stood in the rain,
You were always crazy like that
I watched from my window,
always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one
with dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You were always brilliant in the morning
Smoking you cigarettes, talking over coffee
Your philosophies on are, Baroque moved you,
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of you loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself
These foolish games are breading my heart
your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You took your coat off and stood in the rain
you were always like that

(lagi suka lagu ini...)

"I know you want to be free, Harry."
"Not now. Not all this talk now. Please."
"No, listen. I know you want to be free. Because all men want to be free, but you more than most. Maybe because you were such a young dad, such a young husband. And it all went wrong for you so young. I don't now exactly why you want it so bad. But I know you dream of freedom--you wonder what it would be like with no wife, no kids, no responsibility. But what would happen if you were free, Harry? Do you know?"
"Let's go home now"
She smiled triumphantly. "Because I know, Harry. I do. I know what would happen if you were free."
"Cyd-"
"Listen to me. This is what would happen if you were free, Harry. You'd meet some girl, some sweet young thing, and you'd fall for her. you'd be crazy about her. And you'd end up somewhere no so different to where you are with me, where you were with Gina, where you were with every woman you ever loved. Can't you see, Harry? If you're capable of loving someone, then there's never total freedom. There can't be. You give it up. You give up your freedom. For something that's better."

I picked up her coat and helped her into it. We both stared at the sleeping child,m reluctant to leave her. White on white, Peggy's face almost seemed to dissapear into the pillow.
"I wasn' meant to trap you, Harry," Cyd said."The marriage, the wedding ring, me and Peggy. I know thiat's how it made you feel, but it wasn't meant to be like that. You and me-- it wasn't meant to make you feel trapped, Harry."
"Let's go home now, okay?"
"It was meant to set you free."
(From Man and Wife, Tony Parson, Page 320-321)

i just ate a lot with a very short period of time.. now I'm STUFFED

I caught up with my solitude time alone since the day I left Sophie at 16 June 2008. It's been 5 interviews I attend, and two more coming this end of week. And the mood has been swinging up to down and back up again. But today I am greatful.

Yesterday I got news from people I work with at SMI that the General Manager who took a great part on my decision to resigning had just being let go. I had a mix feeling about it, but in the end I thought one of the reason why she is fired is because me and my previous supervisor is resigning at the same time. Tempted to applied back, I called couple of friends I could trust, my last decision is to just pray about it and really make sure it is a right thing to come back. Cici Eliz, a friend from SMI whom I grew closer to, said I need to reconsider the decision now that I am not with the company anymore. And I asked her what makes it so easy for her to stay and why can't I, she said because people's destiny are different. "Perhaps my destiny is still with Sophie but who knows tomorrow I have other things that God already planned upon me." It calmed my heart afterward. Please pray for me in this struggle.

On another page, two of my best are also struggling with employment situation. They are way above me as far as career and establishments, but it somehow make me see that life is so fragile and uncertain.

It has been a long and tiring week. First the resigning, before that the thought of whether I should resign or not. Good thing was that I made the decision quicker. Second the aftermath. I hope it won't dread until the next thousands week, whatever it is. I just want it to be a clean break. Yes, just like in a relationship.

My last day were on Thursday and it was quite an emotional day. I liked what I do, so much. From the beginning till the end I loved everything about it. I only need one single woman to kill my passion for all these. And it's over. It really is over.

I had a little doubt when the Owner said all the good things about me and how much he regret my decision. But I made my decision, and I didn't want to turn back.

I am feeling better today; it's been slow. I had my facial done, and catch up with my girlfriends... but alone still the hatred, anger, pride are there when I think about it. :(

I don't know if I'd regret my decision in the future, but today I won't. I have made my decision to leave my current employer. First because I refuse to be treated unconstructively by my direct supervisor. In addition to that, Of constant working late hours, dissapreciative boss in which good is never good enough, of a very dark shadow I am seeing for the future career. With this, I lost my desire to pursue more. I am quitting on SMI. I don't care of what they would think about me, as far as I know, I wouldn't let myself be screamed at something I don't deserve.

I will be staying at home for a short while before I could find a more suitable job for me. Hopefully the one who has a normal standard operating procedure and clear job descriptions.

Right now I am depressed. Stressed. Surrounded by dark shadows, mostly haunts and constant negative impressions and assurance of incapabilities I had and will have mostly from Nella's mouth, yes she indeed had successfully made my days felt and feel like hell.

Please pray for my peace and hope. It is only from the Lord it would be resume.

Girl, I grown to love you

it isn't your fault to get pregnant
nor when he decided to love someone else more than you
go ahead kiss his toes and beg him to stay
for your three sons
but it's over when it's over

Go ahead kiss many beautiful strangers,
and be his queen of the night
but only fall in love with the one who willing to die for you

because When you start to fall in and out of love
its ecstatic to fly
but hurt to fall
you should know it so well
be wiser not to fly, and fall after

Can I slap the back of your head and say, GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER!